Tonight I was busy wrapping presents so the husband offered to make dinner. I was a bit dubious at first but then let him get on with it, and the result was not at all bad. Things don't always go to plan when a man gets let loose in the kitchen though, as this humorous guest post will tell......
I’m a man. Here are 5 ways I messed up the kitchen
this Christmas
Firstly, I should point out that all of this was done with
the best of intentions. Allow me to set the scene.
It’s that day of the year when Christmas is officially upon
us; December 1st. It sounds as if there’s an element of wistfulness
in the tone, but please don’t get me wrong, I enjoy Christmas and the kids love
it.
Headlong I willingly entered into the spirit of Noel, fully
committed to getting the decorations right this year. Last year was a bit of a disaster, but that’s
a story for another time. Let’s just say it ended with a little visit from the
fire service.
With this in mind, I had some making up to do. The living
room was done, the Christmas tree was upright, which was a good start, and the
branches were brimming with baubly merriment.
Mrs. B had decided to take the kids upstairs to decorate
their rooms and left me in charge of decorating the kitchen.
As a side note, I should add that I see little benefit in
decorating a kitchen, but I thought ‘Hell, why not, I can do a good job of this
if I put my mind to it.’
Leftover was one piece of tinsel, some snowflakey things, a
few baubles, some blu tack and a pack of cotton buds for fluffy snow. Not much
I’ll admit, but I took it as a challenge.
What Mrs. B came downstairs to was what I can only describe
as a dangerous, annoying mess.
Upon Mrs. B’s entrance into the kitchen, which included a
few choice words, I initially found
myself a little hurt that my efforts had gone unappreciated.
However, within a few seconds I became acutely aware of just
how terribly impractical my efforts were and began to see the funny side of the
situation.
Below are my efforts. I felt compelled to take pictures and
email them to my Mum in the belief that she would be proud of both my ingenuity
and efforts.
Enjoy the absurdity and please feel free to fight my corner
if you feel that my decorating skills were well-intended if lacking a little
foresight.
One Fridge of Baubles
I did initially consider hanging these baubles from the
underside of the kitchen cupboards, but I only had six baubles to cover eight
cupboards. Now, my maths isn’t great, but I know that doesn’t work.
I was looking for something with a smaller surface area and
the fridge came into view. Great idea in my opinion, but I’m not the one in and
out of the fridge all day having to displace baubles to reach butter.
Two Tinsel Washers
There was roughly four feet worth of tinsel remaining and I
was looking around the kitchen to see where it might fit.
The circle of the washing machine (otherwise known as ‘the
door’ I believe) seemed the perfect circumference to house the tinsel.
What I didn’t take into account is that, in order to make
use of the washing machine’s sole-built purpose, you need to open and shut the
circle regularly.
Three Snow Cookers
In my opinion, this is the best of a bad bunch – much
likened to perhaps Chesney of the Battersby clan.
The intentions were good; decorate the slow cooker with cotton
buds, add to the festive cheer. Simple.
Not so simple. Especially when the blu tack gets stuck in
the on switch and renders the appliance useless.
I bought this slow cooker from a vouchercodes website for half
price – possibly Groupon. Mrs. B believes this is besides the point, though.
Four Microwaved Snowflakes
These semi-transparent snowflakes were designed to adorn
windows.
There were a few left and I thought it might be a nice seasonal
surprise for Mrs. B.
Much to the contrary. Her exact words were, and I quote,
“that could have exploded or poisoned us all you idiot!” Fair point.
Five Santa
Spooooooons!
I
still stand by the fact that this was actually quite a good idea.
I had to cut up part our youngest’s advent calendar to
create what by all accounts is a resplendent hat, but I think we can all agree
that it was worth it.
What wasn’t worth it, however, was drawing a mouth, nose and
eyes in permanent marker.
I’m still yet to buy the replacement. Maybe it could work as
a Christmas present.
The moral of the story is that men shouldn’t dabble in
things that they don’t understand.
For many men, the kitchen is a strange and mysterious land.
A land that we’re not familiar with or used to visiting too often.
And sometimes, for the sake of the women in our lives, it’s
better off keeping it that way.
Guest Post
